Whores on the Left; God on the Right; and Me Somewhere in Between

editor's note: this is the first of a three part series.

Ah Las Vegas. A place where the decadence is opulent and the opulence is decadent. A city from sand, she was conceived by Mexican traders and Mormon travelers, but was raised by the ugly, drunken step-father that was organized crime. Now, having beaten the demons of the past, it is a shining example of great American business. Capitalism at its finest. A place whose only purpose is for people to waste money. A sultry temptress. A saucy minx. A town that calls for me. I yearn for her. I want, nay need, to go back. Yet I have only been away for 48 hours. What have you done to me Ms. Vegas? Jon Bon Jovi must have had this city in mind when he wrote "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. You give love a bad name."

Porn as far as the eye can see. Waves of porn at your every turn. Sex oozing through the sidewalk cracks. In Vegas they hand out, for free, trading cards of strippers and prostitutes. They are almost like baseball cards. Collect the whole set! Put them in your bicycle spokes! I'll trade you a Janet for a Kim and the Buxom College Co-Ed Hailey. Come on, it's Janet's rookie card! Or how about a Tanya? She "loves to strip and dance. Call for the best erotic show in Las Vegas!! You won't be disappointed!" Tanya is having a sale no doubt, for she can be yours for only $85. I've got the Wendy Donrus Diamond King card. She won the whoring triple crown last year! She is a MVW, and SHE TAKES VISA, MASTERCARD, AND AMERICAN EXPRESS. Now, perhaps you need more stimulation. They have tag teams. Lili and Didi ($169), Stacy and Kim ($169 and open 24 hours), and perhaps the greatest tag team of all time, Vivian and Devin ($199). Not since Tito Santana teamed with Rick Martel in the late 80's WWF to form Strike Force, have two players at the peak of their game united to form such an unstoppable duo. However, my favorite trading card had to be that of Sue-Ling of the Asian Connection. While every other stripper is photographed in skimpy outfits in provocative poses, our friend Sue-Ling is wearing overalls and carrying, that's right, BOOKS! Granted, Sue-Ling's breast is hanging out of her bib overalls, she is having a strap issue, but even Asian strippers are book learned. She will get naked for you, and then help with Algebra. Just wait to see how she uses an abacus. It ain't just for adding no more.

One of the funniest things I ever saw in Vegas was directly related to the porn peddlers. My friendly travel companion (who runs a pretty damn good website) and I were walking along the strip behind an older couple. The older gentleman is walking with his arm around his wife, a lovely scene really. They have been through a lot and come a long way. He fought the Nazi's, she raised the children, and now they travel and spoil the grandkids. As they are walking they are approached by the entrepreneurs with the trading cards. Both of the octogenarians wave off the offer. However, Earl is crafty. Man's been married for fifty years. His eye wanders. As he is cradling his wife with his right arm, his left arm reaches behind and slyly takes the naked book marks from the street vendor. It was a site to behold. Such sleight of hand would make David Copperfield gasp. The wife, Mabel, had no idea. Then Earl, knowing the folks behind him saw what he accomplished, turned his head, smiled, and gave us a wink. Twas all so subtle, but it spoke volumes. He is a sage. We can learn a lot from him.

Vegas is sin. That is what she is known for. Sex, drugs, gambling, alcohol, Vegas has it all and wants to give it to you. Over the next few days we will discuss Vegas and all my 40 hours there; the famous people, the food, religious artwork, cab drivers, waitresses, free drinks, light shows, and etc. However tis important to understand the sex. It's abundant. It's on every street corner. Every corner, that is, but one. For on one street corner on this famous strip there stood a stalwart soldier in God's Army, the Salvation Army. Ring that bell, brother. Collect that money. Immersed in sin, yet he fights on. Ring that bell. A crusader in an unholly land. RING THAT BELL. Those passing out trading cards stood shoulder to shoulder with he who collects money for God. What wonderful symbolism. So there I was; whores on the left, God on the right, and me somewhere in between. A fitting allegory. Oh, my friends, I fell in love this weekend. The name of my enchantress: Las Vegas.